


All That I Am, All That I Can Be

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Bottom Thor, M/M, Oral Sex, Street fighting, Top Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 16:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1695068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor needs anger management. He gets Loki instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That I Am, All That I Can Be

When he comes home, it’s to Thor kneeling on the floor, fists balled, screaming wordlessly.

Loki gives him one look and steps by. He has other things to do.

\--

When Thor is finally done, when his throat is raw and the neighbours have threatened to call the cops multiple times, Loki pats the spot beside him on the couch. He puts down his book, gives Thor the most sympathetic look he can muster, and asks, “What was it this time?”

Thor sits heavily beside him and doesn’t answer. He never does.

\--

The first time Loki really realised Thor had a temper was in grade school, him in first grade and Thor in second, when Loki told Thor a kid had pushed him off the swings. It had been a lie, and Loki wasn’t sure why he told it.

Thor had rained down his fists on the kid until a teacher forcibly pulled him away. Thor had still been screaming.

\--

Thor was perfect for hockey, they said. Big. Fast. Aggressive.

By the time Thor was seventeen, he had a bridge for his four front teeth and a broken nose. Twice.

(Which, actually, made Thor more attractive. His nose wasn’t squashed or misshapen, it just had developed a dip, making the profile of his nose a little bumpy. Loki hated—hates—how he loves it.)

He was known for fights. His coaches made a show of discouraging it, but Loki knew at least one of them was encouraging it on the sly.

Loki didn’t really care. It was thrilling to watch Thor fight. His brother was so beautiful in his rage.

\--

Thor took a year off after high school, to work, and Loki was flattered. Thor was waiting for him. When Loki was accepted to all of his schools of choice, and Thor to the few he had applied to, they just so happened to pick the same city, if not the same institution.

Their apartment was small, and their kitchen went unused more often than not.

With moving out came freedom, and with freedom came fake IDs and bars, and with bars came bar fights.

It never took much to set Thor off. Someone looked at Loki the wrong way. A guy wasn’t leaving a girl alone. Whatever. Thor ended up in far more fights than he should have. Loki made no effort to stop it.

\--

What was—still is, always will be—infuriating about Thor is how much _good_ there was in him. Thor would go from screaming in helpless rage, breaking things to avoid breaking heads, to being a harmless teddy bear with a big smile and an even bigger heart. He refused to be simply angry. Loki’s big brawler older brother was only a brawler part time.

\--

“I don’t know,” Thor says, later, when they’re curled up in bed and Loki’s come is leaking out of his ass.

(Loki learned early on that fucking Thor into the bed was a great way to get control over Thor’s rage.)

“Hmm,” Loki says, tired, too tired to really listen.

“I don’t know why I’m like this.” Thor’s voice is full of terror, it’s shaking, and Loki knows Thor is crying. He sighs and pulls Thor closer, shushing away the tears.

“There is nothing wrong with you.” Not to Loki. Thor’s ugly rage is the most perfect thing he’s ever seen.

*******

Thor screams because he needs to get it out. He screams because if he doesn’t, he’ll take it out on someone’s body, and he can’t do that. No one else deserves to suffer from his problem.

He hates it. He hates himself. He tries to do well by people, he wants to do good, but there is this ugly, angry monster lurking under his skin, and he has no idea how to stop it.

Loki has never been a physical target of his rage, and Thor—well, he doesn’t pride himself in that, because not hitting someone should be the norm, not the accomplishment, but he is relieved about it. Yeah, he’s yelled, and Loki’s yelled back, Loki’s started it sometimes, but he never hits Loki. He could never.

The fact that his brain says it’s okay to hit _other people_ scares the shit out of him.

\--

The screaming didn’t do its trick this time. Thor feels like he’s going to claw his way out of his skin soon, and he’s jittery, and Loki notices.

When Loki suggests they go for a drive, somewhere secluded, get away from it, Thor jumps at the chance. Loki drives, and Thor reclines in the passenger seat, fiddling with the radio and finding nothing.

“Stop. We have CDs.” Loki’s look is irritable, and Thor has to bite back annoyance. Not worth it.

“Fine,” He says, popping in whatever he finds first.

\--

Loki takes him to somewhere quiet, somewhere secluded, like he said. They’re in the middle of a forest. Thor can smell the pine.

“Thank you.” It’s just a whisper.

There’s nothing here. No people other than them, no irritants, nothing to set him off. He can breathe. Mostly.

The guilt still weighs on him, which frustrates him, which he knows leads to anger, so Thor closes his eyes and thinks about everything else. Birds. Sun. Leaves.

“I brought a blanket,” Loki says behind him, “And lube.”

Thor laughs and rounds on his brother. “I guess you’d better fuck me.”

\--

Riding Loki feels better than a fight. Loki’s cock in his ass is as grounding as it is good, and Thor’s moans are half pleasure and half relief. All he is in that moment is sex, his cock and his ass, and it’s all he needs.

“Come on, come on my cock,” Loki gasps out when Thor’s hands go to his cock. “Come on.”

Thor clenches and they moan in unison. Yeah, fuck. He’d love to do that, but they both know Thor’s not quite there yet. Loki has brought up prostate training, but Thor decided he doesn’t need the added aggravation. Not until he’s got himself under control.

Still, he bounces on Loki’s cock like the world depends on it, crying out ‘brother’ and ‘please’ until he feels Loki’s hip twitch and sees Loki’s mouth fall open, knows Loki’s coming deep in his ass, and it’s so close. He can feel it.

Leaning forward, he grinds his cock against Loki’s stomach and pleads long enough that Loki finally reaches down and jerks him off, and when Thor comes it’s like he sees white.

*******

Thor lays beside him, asleep, while Loki watches. Before laying down and snoring, Thor had mentioned _anger management_ , and that just won’t do. Loki cannot let Thor be better than him. Thor must keep this one flaw.

The anger in Thor is Loki’s greatest vice.

He traces the lines on Thor’s forehead, souvenirs from stress, and thinks.

Something will keep Thor with him. Loki just needs to figure out what.

\--

“You need to fight someone.”

Thor looks up at him, and Loki gives nothing away but a smile.

“I need—No, I need the opposite of that.” The mug in Thor’s hands is shaking, and Loki reaches out, setting it down.

“No. You misunderstand. Someone wants you to fight someone else for them.”

“Like a job?”

“Yes.”

Thor shakes his head, and Loki can see how appalled he is.

\--

Loki hadn’t even needed to ask. Someone knew Thor’s reputation, needed someone to rough a guy up, and asked Loki how much Thor went for. Loki had given a price, it was accepted. Getting Thor to do it was the hard part.

The direct approach hadn’t worked, but Loki wasn’t expecting it to. No matter.

\--

Thor fights when he drinks. Sometimes. Often enough that Loki knows if he takes Thor out and is able to point him in the right direction, the job will get done, Loki will get paid, and Thor will—

It doesn’t take much, and Loki’s not surprised at that. Too many beers and a few words about personal slights from the man, and Thor is defending Loki to someone who’s never seen either of them before in his life.

When Loki finally hauls Thor away, the guy’s face is bloody and broken. Loki says what he was told to say, knows the guy will keep quiet for it (there are shady deals going on here that Loki does not care about), and leaves with Thor.

Thor does the scream thing when they get home. It’s not long, though, and Loki quickly has a passed out older brother in their bed.

The job went swimmingly.

\--

They do it a few more times. Thor gets a little suspicious after the fourth—how has Loki managed to piss off this many people in such a short time—and Loki’s goal is to keep Thor mad, not mad at _him_ , so he declines other interested parties for a while.

This leaves Thor without an outlet.

*******

Something is up. Loki takes him to bars, whispered about how he’d been wronged, and Thor has defended him, as a brother should. It has been so pointed, and Thor, for all Loki thinks otherwise, knows when Loki is trying to control him.

But then it stops.

And Thor hates it.

Giving in to his temper is wrong. Fighting is dangerous. He needs to stop hurting people.

Fighting exhausts his anger. He feels tired and calm once it’s over and he’s got it out. Thor had stopped, best he could, for a while, but Loki stoked the fire and now Thor is back at square one.

He leaves a fist shaped hole in the dry wall.

\--

There is some sort of anger management support group on the other side of their city. Thor has not told Loki he’s going. He knows what Loki thinks of it—that Thor doesn’t _need_ it—and he can’t let himself be swayed otherwise. Sooner or later, he might hurt Loki, and that drives Thor to the group.

But everyone has a story Thor tells himself he can’t relate to. He’s not out of control, he just has a little problem. No one defenseless has been hurt; everyone Thor has hit went ahead and hit him right back (or, sometimes, hit him first). None of his fights are taken out on random people on the street.

(Just random people in bars, the voice in his head says.)

Thor tries not to cry when he hears about the mother who gave up custody of her kids because she was scared she’d hurt them. He tries not to cry when the man beside him talks about how he’s lost every job he’s ever had because he can’t hold it in.

It is all too close to home, and so Thor leaves, and doesn’t come back.

\--

Sometimes Thor is more than happy with the way he is. There is something about the high of a fight he enjoys. The physicality makes him feel alive, and the pain of bruises and aches afterwards feels like a satisfying stretch.

But the fights he is happiest about come in gyms, between two people with boxing gloves and on equal ground. They’re not the drunken fights or the explosive rage that Thor boils over with. They’re exercises. Everyone is safe.

They don’t take the edge off, not as much as Thor would like, but they are safe. And so Thor is happiest with them.

But sometimes—sometimes—as he’s laying into someone as Loki looks on, pleased at just how well Thor can defend them both, Thor thinks happiness and satisfaction are not the same thing.

*******

Despite what most people think, the Odinsons have debt. A lot of it. They were given a college fund when they turned eighteen, and they both burned right through it. No more help was coming. Their father made that clear.

So they took out loans and they worked their way through school. It wasn’t enough to cover their student debt—it never is—and then car payments came. And health insurance. And higher rent. And so on.

They aren’t hurting, per se, but they don’t have a whole lot of excess. Thor tends to take odd manual labour jobs on the weekends when they need more cash, and Loki gives out advice for a price online.

They get by.

\--

Thor is standing behind Loki, kissing down his neck with a sleepy slowness, as Loki worries at the eggs in the pan. It’s early, too early for Thor to do much more than cuddle and yawn, and Loki is finding himself relaxing into the peace.

“Someone at work asked me if we were married,” Loki says. “She must have seen you bring me lunch one day.”

Thor chuckles out a low rumble behind his brother. “And what did you tell her?”

“That we share a bank account, which is about the same thing.”

Loki feels Thor nod against his shoulder. It’s a while before Thor speaks again, while Loki is moving the eggs off the burner.

“I would marry you. If we could. I’d propose, and we’d walk down the aisle, and all of that. So everyone knew.”

Loki blinks at Thor. It’s a thoroughly stupid thought to entertain (they can never have it, lest anyone _know_ , so why even bother), and it reeks of the wholesome love and romance that appeals to Thor far more than Loki, but—

But Loki finds himself stilling, with a lump forming his throat and his heart fluttering.

“Well,” Loki says, his voice not as steady as he would like. “You would be the one in the dress, you know.”

Thor laughs and scoops him up, pressing kisses all over his cheeks. Their eggs are forgotten.

\--

Thor is asleep on the couch, head pillowed in Loki’s lap, and Loki is watching some drivel. It’s a quiet night, especially for them. Far too peaceful. Loki hates it.

An idle mind is a wasted thing. Loki could not stand a life of peace and quiet. He is made—Thor is made—for far more interesting things.

Shaking Thor awake, Loki clears messy hair out of Thor’s eyes, smiling sharply down at the confused blinking he receives. “I’m not sure why you think it’s a good time to sleep,” Loki says.

Thor gives him a wordless noise of inquiry.

“You have far better things to do.”

Minutes later, Thor is on his knees, Loki’s cock down his throat, and Loki is far happier.

\--

Loki knows all too well that he takes far more from Thor than he should. He doesn’t particularly care, though. Thor belongs to him, and he will do what he pleases with his brother. If Thor had a problem with it, he would leave.

Or, well—no. He wouldn’t, because Loki wouldn’t let him. But he’d try.

And so Loki doesn’t change anything about what he does to Thor. There is a thrill in controlling his brother.

\--

“Street fighting.”

Thor looks up at him, and Loki knows he’s looking for a joke in his face, but there isn’t one. Loki is dead serious.

“The video game?”

He shakes his head and leans against their kitchen counter, looking Thor up and down. Thor’s been agitated lately—bored—and Loki, being the ever-caring brother slash boyfriend, just wants to look out for Thor’s needs.

“No. Like underground boxing rings.”

Thor sighs, moving to unload their dishwasher. “What about them, Loki,” He says, and his voice is wary.

“You’d be good in one.”

“I don’t think they really exist.” Thor’s back is rigid to him. Loki can’t have that. He moves over, pressing himself along the line of Thor’s body and wrapping his arms around Thor’s waist.

“Imagine if they did, though. Everyone though that’d be the sort of thing you’d go into.”

Thor laughs at that. Loki was great in finance, he had the mind for it, but Thor as an architect tends to go over people’s heads. Why don’t you own a gym, people ask, or you belong in the NHL, or you’d be great as a bodyguard, or—

All people saw when they looked at his brother was his body. Not his mind. Loki was perfectly fine with that; the more people underestimating his brother meant the less people actually saw all of Thor.

“Yeah, well. I guess we’ll never know,” Thor says, turning to embrace Loki back. Loki can see the wonder in his eyes, though.

*******

He’s half asleep, on his back, thighs spread, as Loki fucks into him. It’s a lazy Sunday morning, and Thor’s happy to be here rather than facing the world. He deserves a few quiet hours with Loki’s cock in his ass.

When Loki cocks, and when Loki’s tugged him off, Thor falls back asleep. He’s sweaty and Loki didn’t use a condom so he’ll have to deal with that later, but for now, sleep.

He wakes up to Loki shaking his shoulder, and the look on his brother’s face promises trouble.

\--

“It doesn’t exist.”

“It does,” Loki says, exasperated. “It does. I have the connections.”

They’re talking about fighting again. Street fighting. Underground rings. Money, apparently. Thor has always thought it’s the stuff of movies and books. Loki says otherwise.

“So what if it is?”

“You’re going to fight,” Loki says coolly, and Thor is both annoyed and amused. Loki is typically far more subtle about getting him to do what he wants.

“And why would I do that?”

“Because we need the money,” Loki says, trailing his fingers down Thor’s spine, and Thor knows it’s vaguely true. They get by, but they have loans. And it’d be nice to not worry in tight times. It’d be nice to not have tight times at all.

But this isn’t really right. Thor’s trying to control his temper, not encourage it. An outlet like fighting is satisfying in the short term, but it doesn’t stop anything. He won’t learn control.

It feels like he’s reciting someone else’s thoughts. Thor knows he needs control, but he wants the short term outlet. Loki wants it too.

And Thor is powerless to resist Loki.

\--

He still doesn’t really believe underground fighting rings exist. “Why wouldn’t I just try to do this legally,” Thor asks, eyeing his brother.

“Where is the fun in that?” Loki winks at Thor, and Thor sighs.

“But we don’t belong there. We’re not—“

Loki rounds on Thor. “Not what?”

Thor looks at Loki, helpless. He knows Loki isn’t offended on anyone’s behalf. This is just a ploy.

“We don’t need money this badly.”

“Just try it, Thor. Once.”

There is never once with this sort of thing.

\--

Loki knows people. Loki always know people. Thor is convinced Loki’s got connections that are less than illegal, and this doesn’t surprise him. They drive out of the city, and it seems to take hours—probably did, because Thor fell asleep and it’s dark when they pull up to their destination.

A barn. Old, run down, paint peeling, and far too busy for a regular barn. Thor’s eyebrows are up. Not too smart; it’s pretty obvious something big is happening here. “Do they always have this here?”

“Hmm? No. Sometimes. It rotates on an irregular schedule.” Loki parks their car far away, and Thor is left wondering exactly how much Loki knows about this. It’s a suspiciously large amount so far.

A large man with missing teeth lets them into the barn after Loki’s handed over a wad of bills and a scrap of paper with something scrawled onto it. The first thing Thor notices is the smell of bodies and blood.

They make their way through the people (fifty in all, maybe) to the front of the crowd. There are no ropes, no markers, just people making a ring around two men staring each other down. One is adjusting the wraps on his hand. The other is wiping blood off his nose.

There is no bell. One moves, so the other moves. They fight, one goes down, the other is pulled away, and two more fight. An hour passes, two, in rapid succession, and Thor watches, heart pounding. Loki stands beside him, brushing their shoulders.

“Do I fight tonight?”

“No,” Loki says. “You’re just here to learn.”

*******

Loki has no idea who he’s out to coffee with. The man is babbling on, trying to make nice, and Loki does not care about his petty little life. He’s not interesting offending whoever this is just yet, though. You never know when someone’s _petty little life_ might be good to use.

Sometimes people call Loki cold.

No—People always call Loki cold.

And he is, but he’s not what certain people (certain friends of Thor’s) think. It is no use to burn every bridge put in front you. Far easier to manipulate someone who does not hate you.

He has made his share of enemies, but that’s normal when you work with money. No one really cares.

But Loki has picked his enemies and pawns carefully.

\--

Thor is asleep, plastered to Loki’s back. He’s got his arm around Loki’s waist, and Loki’s got his hand resting on Thor’s. It’s comfortable.

Everything about Thor feels like victory lately. Loki saw Thor. He saw how his brother reacted to the fights. Thor can pretend, but Loki knows that Thor will always have that angry lurking under his skin. There is no way he’s about to let Thor bury it further.

How boring.

Loki is going to let this stew in Thor’s mind for a while. A good while. The perfect scenario would be Thor coming to him, but Loki knows Thor’s pride. They share that. He’d say it’s from their father, but they don’t actually share a father. Semantics.

Thor snuffles behind him, and Loki turns around, pressing his nose into Thor’s chest. He drifts off and dreams of gold and red.

\--

Thor’s balls are heavy in Loki’s mouth. He’s laving them with his tongue as Thor tangles his hands in his hair. It’s lazy, and slow, and Loki is very sure Thor wants it to be anything else.

Too bad. Loki wants slow and lazy.

Eventually, Thor is hissing, oversensitive and wound up, and Loki takes pity on him. He pulls away and wraps a hand around Thor’s cock, stroking fast. Thor comes all over his stomach.

Loki wraps his fist around his own cock and joins him.

Thor smiles at the sight.

\--

Though Loki rarely admits it, he is impressed with Thor’s work. His brother’s buildings are heavy, and strong, and striking. They draw the eye and take his breath away. Thor is talented.

Right now, though, Thor is frustrated. There are piles of crumbled papers under and around his desk, and from the look of it, he’s broken three pencils. Loki comes up behind Thor and rubs his shoulders, shushing him. “Artist’s block?”

Thor grumbles out an answer.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s like everything is clogged up in my brain,” Thor says, leaning back against Loki. “Like my thoughts can’t get of me onto the paper. Fuck.”

“I know what will help you.”

“I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not always in the mood for sex.”

“Mmm. Liar,” Loki says, turning Thor around and sliding into his lap. “But that’s not what I meant.”

Ah. There it is. The spark in Thor’s eye. “You mean the fights.”

“Oh, very clever.” Loki walks his fingers down Thor’s chest. “Yes. Fights.”

Thor grits his teeth and looks away. Loki catches his chin and forces their gaze to lock. His brother is stubborn; Thor’s heels are still dug in, but Loki can feel that weakening. He’s about to fall.

“It’s not right, Loki.”

“When has that stopped us?”

“No,” Thor says. “When has that stopped you?”

\--

Three days later, they’re standing in a warehouse, watching sweaty men hit each other for money. Thor’s wrapping up his fists and Loki is making the betting arrangements.

Loki is also grinning.

He knows Thor doesn’t like that—knows Thor thinks Loki is being sick—but Loki thinks he’s just being more upfront. For once. They wouldn’t be here if Thor didn’t want to be.

And Thor wants to be.

*******

He doesn’t even really register the first first fight until it’s over. The other guy went down fast. Three punches and out. Thor’s got blood on his knuckles, and he tells himself the guy knew that would happen.

The adrenaline mixing around in his gut that makes Thor look over at Loki. Loki’s smiling his _I won_ smile, still, and so Thor looks away. Another fight. Loki already won. Fine.

He can’t say he enjoys this—He never has found much happiness in it—but it does feel nice in a very not-nice way. The money Thor earns gives Loki more satisfaction that it does himself. Thor is just happy to have a place where people want to get hit.

It’s like Fight Club, he thinks. Except it’s not, in any way, save for the part where you don’t really talk about it

Thor never liked Fight Club anyway.

\--

Loki is counting the money they made—all wadded up twenties with specks of fluid on them—while Thor showers. He’s glad his brother knows he doesn’t really care to know the final figure. Some extra money giving them wiggle room is nice, but Thor doesn’t need to know what his violence is worth.

When they slip into bed, Loki tries to fuck him, but Thor is too tired. He tells Loki to just do whatever he wants, then falls into a dreamless sleep.

\--

Thor never blacks out.

He doesn’t black out when he’s drunk and hitting some jerk who said all the wrong things. He doesn’t black out when he can only scream out his helpless rage. He’s not blacking out in the fights.

There’s stories, of course, of people who black out. Thor heard them when he went to the group the one time. And it’s all over; people get so mad they lose control and can’t remember what they did.

Sometimes Thor wonders how much of that is just an excuse. You don’t think about what you did, you didn’t really do it.

Thor remembers everything he does while mad. He’s irrational, and he doesn’t understand why he acts the way he does, but he remembers.

So he remembers standing in the middle of the circle, chest heaving, hair tied back, looking down at the guy he just punched out cold. He remembers how the crunch of the bone felt under his fist and he remembers the feeling of victory.

Smoking was never something Thor was all that interested in. Fandral does it, and Loki sneaks one sometimes, but Thor’s been too worried about his lungs. Right now, though, sitting on their couch, thinking about the scabs on his knuckles from the fight last night, he kind of wants one. They’re supposed to help with stress, or something.

\--

It’s two months in and Thor’s been to five different locations to fight. They’re coming home from the sixth—the barn again—and Loki keeps shooting him looks that Thor tells himself he does not like.

His nose is bleeding and he’s not doing a whole lot to stop it. This, apparently, turns his brother on. Thor’s thrilled by it and frustrated by it. He should be more than his physicality to Loki.

But it feels good to be wanted by his brother. By the time they’re home, Thor’s nose has stopped bleeding, and Loki’s still horny and Thor’s up for it so they fuck in the kitchen, with Thor gripping the counter and Loki pounding into him from behind.

They both come without saying a word.

\--

Thor gets mad at Loki a lot. Loki provokes it. Not always, but a lot of the time. It’s frustrating, because Thor doesn’t want to hurt Loki. He doesn’t want to fight with Loki.

Loki seems to want to fight, and Thor doesn’t get it. Their relationship is complicated, but it doesn’t need to be violent. They yell a lot, though. It’s not fists and feet, but it’s no less violent. It’s the one kind of fight Thor lets Loki have. They both get wrapped up in it. The police were called once.

After they’re done yelling, Thor can never remember what they were even fighting about. He loves Loki. When the fight is over, Thor still loves Loki, and the fight doesn’t matter.

Every fight seems to matter to Loki. Thor wishes they didn’t.

\--

Swing. Hit. Crunch. Swing.

He goes down.

“Fuck,” Thor swears before he loses consciousness.

*******

Loki sees Thor go down, but he doesn’t register it until someone’s shouting the winner’s name. Thor going down never occurred to him. His brother was meant to be unbeatable.

But Thor’s down and he’s got a broken nose and he’s lucky he already wears a bridge because he would have lost those teeth. Loki rushes to his side and gets someone to help him lift Thor away from the crowd, where he sits and uses his shirt to mop up the blood. Someone hands him a glass of water, and Loki splashes drops on Thor’s face.

When Thor finally wakes up, Loki helps him to the car. When they’re home, Loki deposits Thor on the bed, where his brother promptly falls asleep.

Probably a bad idea. Thor likely has a concussion. Loki doesn’t wake Thor up.

\--

“You didn’t tell me you could fail,” Loki says, not looking Thor in the eye. Thor’s across from him, ice held to his head. They’re in the kitchen. Breakfast.

“That’s not fair, Loki.”

“I don’t care.” And he really doesn’t. Thor fucked up. He allowed himself to get hurt. Inexcusable.

Thor glares at him. Loki doesn’t rise to that bait. He’s the one in charge here. Taking his grapefruit, he moves to their couch, stoically ignoring Thor until he leaves for work.

Then he stews.

\--

Around four, Loki visits Thor at work. Thor would be planning to stay late, and Loki is in the mood for his brother.

Thor smiles at Loki, clearly over whatever anger he held at Loki this morning. That always infuriates Loki. Thor is so easily able to give up whatever grudges he holds. Loki cannot do that. He holds a grudge against the man who gave him the wrong change when he was thirteen.

There are many grudges between Thor and Loki, all from Loki’s side.

Loki tugs Thor’s head back by his hair and hisses for him to follow. A fuck in the stairwell is by no means romantic, but Loki’s not looking for romance.

Thor gets on his knees as soon as the stairwell door is closed, which Loki smiles at. It’s so nice when Thor knows exactly what Loki wants. Unzipping his fly, he smirks down at Thor, who gets right to work.

Pulling Loki’s cock out, Thor gives him a long lick, from root to tip. The pace of his mouth stays slow, too slow, and Loki quickly bores of it. Threading his hands through Thor’s hair, Loki thrusts his hips forward, relishing Thor’s surprised choking.

His pace is fast and brutal, pulling tears from Thor’s eyes. Thor is enjoying it—his hand is fast on his own cock—and so Loki does not slow down. When he feels a tug in his balls, Loki pulls out of Thor’s hot, wet mouth, coming hard all over Thor’s face.

Thor moans and comes as well.

\--

Loki doesn’t go right home. He sees no point; Thor is probably still going to work late. When he walks through their front door at eight and sees Thor, it’s a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. Thor’s watching something (Sex and the City, if the discs on the coffee table are any indication) and doesn’t really seem interested in the fact that Loki is home.

He pulls off his shoes and coat exceptionally slow. Thor’s still not acknowledging him. Annoyed, Loki stalks over to Thor, leaning down to catch Thor’s eye, where he catches a whiff of Thor’s breath.

“Ah. You’re drunk.”

Thor snorts up at Loki.

Pausing the TV (which was, in fact, Sex and the City), Loki stands over Thor, hands on his hips. “You can’t fight when drunk.”

“I don’t want to fight tonight.”

Loki lets out a long suffering sigh, but lets it go.

*******

The first—and only—time Thor without Loki, he fights someone as big as he is, and that’s pretty rare. He’s the exact same height as Thor, with a big bushy beard and a forest of body hair, and he’s got a big grin on that says he’s taking none of this seriously. It’s frustrating and Thor has something to prove, so he goes hard, trying to wipe that grin off his face.

It doesn’t work. Even when he goes down, he’s laughing and smiling at Thor.

\--

Later, at home, in the shower, Thor fumes. He’d gone back to try to prove to himself that going down was a one-time thing. Now he feels even worse. Three fights that night and the one that’s sticking with him is the one where the guy enjoyed it.

Thor has no idea why that’s frustrating him so much, but it is.

When he collapses into bed, wet and exhausted, Loki pretends to be asleep. Thor knows his brother is pretending, because Loki’s a light sleeper and Thor’s not quiet, but Loki must know where Thor went and seems pissed about it.

That makes two of them.

In the morning, Loki wakes him up with a hard bite to the chest. Thor blinks blearily up at him, rumbling out a confused good morning, to which Loki rolls his eyes at.

“Did you make money?”

“A little, yeah.” Thor didn’t go for the money.

“Good. Don’t you ever go without me again.” With that, Loki slides out of bed, stalking off to the kitchen. It takes a second, but the sheer possession in Loki’s voice hits Thor hard, and he finds that he’s not okay with it.

Which is odd, because Thor’s been okay with up for a long time, but in this moment he’s Thor, not Loki’s-Toy-Thor.

“Get back here,” Thor says, throwing the blankets off and following Loki. “You don’t own me.”

“Yes I do.” Loki’s rummaging around for coffee cups, not bothering to look at Thor. The sheer unapologetic tone of Loki’s voice incenses Thor further.

“Since when?”

“Since always, Thor,” Loki sighs, turning to give Thor a hard stare. “You’re mine. You let me own you. So you do as I say, and I say you don’t go to fights without me.”

It hits Thor then why he was so pissed off about the guy last night. He had been enjoying himself. Other than sex, Thor hadn’t been enjoying any of his life lately (and even their sex was becoming more and more of a power play). Fighting abated his anger, gave him an outlet, but it also let his problem rule his life.

And he’d handed all the control he should be exerting over himself to Loki.

Thor clenches his fists and grinds his teeth and tries to say this to Loki, but all that comes out is a hissed _fuck you_ , to which Loki slams the mugs down.

“Really, Thor? Really? You’re suddenly upset about something you let me do? You’ve followed my every command for as long as I can remember—and don’t you _dare_ pretend that’s all because I manipulated you into it. You let me do this.”

“I do,” Thor says, still furious.

“So why are you mad? Why are you acting so fucking _indignant_ over this, of all fucking things?”

Why is he so mad—yeah. Thor doesn’t even bother laughing at that.

Thor turns on his heel and goes back to the bedroom, tossing on the first clothes his finds. He can’t be here right now. This should just be a little spat, but he’s wound up.

When he reaches the front door, Loki yells at him to stop, and Thor does.

“Turn around, Thor. Go back to the bedroom. Quit having a tantrum.”

Thor leaves.

\--

After two days on Sif’s couch, in the same clothes, Thor heads down to the community centre where that anger management group is. They’re meeting today, because they meet on Thursdays, and Thor sits in, quiet. He listens.

Then he goes home.

He still sleeps on the couch, to which Loki throws angry barbs at him for. Thor throws his fist into the mirror for it, which leads to a lot of blood and more spite from Loki, even as Loki is bandaging his hand up.

“You’re fighting tonight. Get this bullshit out of your system.”

“No, Loki,” Thor says, and Loki slaps him.

Thor sits there, too shocked to even consider hitting back.

\--

Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Thor goes back. He listens again on Saturday, and sleeps in their bed when he goes home. Loki doesn’t touch him, but Thor makes no effort, either.

When he goes on Monday, he talks. Just a little. He says that he gets mad a lot, and that he’s got a weird relationship with his brother, and he likes to fight. That’s all, and they nod at him and relate and then they group moves on, but Thor feels lighter.

He keeps going to group and he keeps sharing.

\--

Loki, for his part, keeps trying to stop Thor. He whispers about the fights when Thor is pretending to sleep, then insults Thor for being so weak.

And Loki keeps going to the fights. He never comes home with money, so Thor knows he’s not taking part in any capacity. It’s just a show for Thor. Look what you’re missing. Thor mentions that in group, and someone says Thor should get away from that kind of influence in his life.

Thor throws a lamp out the window that night, then rides Loki’s cock until they both can barely move.

\--

He’s lucky. He didn’t get sucked into the world like some guys do. Neither he or Loki are hurting for money the way a lot of the guys there are, so when Thor leaves, nothing is stopping him.

Eventually, Loki stops going, and nothing stops him, either.

\--

Four months into going to group, Thor looks out the window and smiles. He’s mad a lot, and he’s really early into trying to get this under control, and Loki’s still not at all on board, but he enjoys his life again.

In the mornings he wakes up to his brother, tangled around each other in sleepy embraces, and that’s all Thor needs to know he can keep finding control. Loki doesn’t get it, but it doesn’t matter. Thor’s going to be better for both of them.

Loki comes up behind him and sighs something intelligible, and Thor laughs out a _yeah_ , because it doesn’t really matter what Loki said. Thor knows what he meant.

And he knows his response: “I’m happy we’re here too.”


End file.
